Out.

Out. Coming Out. These are words that strike fear in me. And these are the very words that strike fear into a great deal of gay men around not only this country, but around the world. A great deal are younger than me, and yet a great deal live in societies that are even worse than mine. It is hard to fathom at times how large our world actually is. We may be a tiny pale little blue dot in the vastness of a great and powerful universe, but, we on the little blue dot is where everything we are is. The sum of everything that made our civilization and everything we’ve ever known has been on this planet, so small compared to the vastness of the universe.

So. About a week ago. I came out to my sister. This was a hard move for me, because I’m actually pretty damn close to my sister. Probably closer to her than any of my siblings… Well the fourteen year old brother and I live in the same house, but he’s still fourteen and is in the xBox live phase where everyone’s a ‘homo’. I’m gonna let him mature a bit more first… Though, my sister instantly was okay with it. She was disgusted by gays a lot in public. But, now her brother’s gay? She seems to be perfectly fine with it. She didn’t have a lot of questions. She’s been supportive, and had actually agreed to take me to my first LGBTQ meetup here. I felt amazing for several days after that. I felt a new high, it felt great. She did ask if anyone else knew, my siblings all do now… And I told her how one of my brothers straight out asked me when I was a teenager and that’s how he found out. I don’t think my sister realizes that this means a great deal to me. She’s one of the few people I love talking to on a regular basis, we share interests, love of plays, broadway… TV shows. Now, being completely open with my sister feels amazing.

So, now two nights ago… I was standing around with my grandmother, I blurted it out. My grandmother was an important milestone to me… Very important. I live with her. She didn’t have a problem with it and her response was basically, “That’s a problem why?” She only has a problem with it, if I would date a girl to cover it up… That makes it good on me. She did tell me not to shy away from girls if I ever have feelings for one… Just in case. Good advice grandma, pretty sure I’m still gay however. So, this made me happy. I then tried to talk to my father, but my father’s attitude when I got anywhere near that subject was he didn’t care and my personal life is my personal life. So… That’s always good, right?

My mother is a different story. Her and her friends were questioning my virginity… Because two of my brothers are teen fathers. I don’t have a kid yet and I’m nearly twenty-four. So they were arguing over it. I was on speaker phone and just yelled I slept with a guy. Hung up. It’s not the entire truth, I broke out in laughter over it, so did my father and my mom’s best friend. My mom didn’t talk to me for a while, now she thinks it’s a joke. She did go on complaining later about a local gay teacher… How she doesn’t want her grandkids in his class. My brother’s girlfriend (mother of his kid) and my brother both agreed on a point and I am proud of what they told my mother, “My son will not hate gays.” They told my mother that bluntly, she was taken aback… This pleased me a bit.

My mother’s a good person, really she is. She tried so hard. She’s been through a lifetime of pain. She raised kids on her own, she was beat when she was a child. She is homophobic, and she puts PHOBIC in homophobic. I found out my biological grandmother is lesbian! Apparently gays used to abuse her really badly as a child… She’s slowly coming around and seeing them more equal as long as they’re not “pushy” to her. But she still coughs “fairy” at guys she thinks is gay. Well, at least she’s coming around.

I want to be more out. I really do want to actually start dating, meet someone… Have a good time. Actually kiss someone. I know, this sounds cheesy. But, I do want it. Badly. I regret I bottled myself up for so long. I wish I hadn’t as a teenager, and just gotten out sooner instead of staying to myself. But, the past is the past… I can’t redo it. If I could, I’d change so much… So freaken much.

Anyways. I have a long way to go. I need to stabilize my health… I have extremely bad news in that department. But, I do want to get off of government aid one day, if my health stabilizes (please do, health). I want to work, be able to have a disposable income so I can go see the world. I want out of my state. I have a lot of wants… One step at a time, I’m guessing.

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